Raoul the Happy Elf visits the Twilight Universe
by Vuvuzela Cat
Summary: Raoul is a happy elf who wants to make friends.  WARNING: Highly graphic


Raoul the Happy Elf visits the Twilight Universe

Raoul cleansed his shank in preparation, there would be blood tonight. He put on his big boy panties; he always wore them when going out. He then went off in the forest in no particular direction, for he somehow always found trouble. A sound of soft crying filled the air to Raoul's left, and he chased after it.

He reached a forest clearing where he saw a teenage girl weeping on a log. Her name was Bella Swan, and she was going through some variety of mythical creature-related drama right now, but Raoul didn't care. He had found a friend.

"Hello, friend!" Raoul yelled as he ran up to Bella.

"Oh no, not another mythical creature! First there was that vampire, then that werewolf, then Santa, and now this?" Bella responded, then continued to cry.

"Oh, it's not that bad." Raoul said.

"Really? Why?" Bella questioned, her head turned in anticipation.

"Because it's about to get a lot worse." Raoul said with a huge grin on his face.

"What?" Bella yelled, getting more worried.

"Wanna know why? Because I'm horny!" Raoul yelled, ripping off his pants to reveal his incredibly hairy testicles and rectum. Bella screamed, but it was already too late. In one swift movement, Raoul turned around, showing his incredibly razor sharp Ass Teeth, which were common among elves. Quickly, his butt bit down on Bella's shirt, cutting an artery in the process. As soon as Bella realized how dangerous Raoul was, he shoved his face in between her bare breasts and motorboated her so hard that they flew off of her chest in opposite directions. Bella yelled for Edward as Raoul shoved his hands into the gaping holes in her chest, fondling her lungs and ribs as he snorted as much blood as possible. Before Raoul could reach Bella's heart, however, she actually defended herself and slapped Raoul in the face.

"Now you're gonna get it!" Raoul hissed. He jumped off of her chest and ripped off her pants. Bella watched in horror as Raoul shoved his entire lower torso into her vagina. Raoul laughed as he pretended to be a mermaid, flapping Bella around using his legs as a tail. The next part was Raoul's favorite. An incredible amount of diarrhea was exploding out of Raoul's bowels, and at such a force that Bella's eyes popped out of their sockets. Bella had stopped breathing, but Raoul still nibbled on her legs.

It was then when Edward Cullen had appeared out of the trees. The shock of seeing Bella in her condition had caused him to nearly lose consciousness, but Raoul quickly took the opportunity. He removed himself from Bella, still wearing her uterus as a kilt, and pulled out his shank. Raoul leapt onto Edward, ejaculating into his mouth as he ripped out his fangs and jammed them into Edward's ears. Edward tried to remove Raoul from his head, but Raoul merely climbed onto his back whilst slicing Edward's collarbone. Raoul then cut a hole in Edward's back, and nibbled on his spinal cord until it snapped in two. Edward was paralyzed from the neck down, but it didn't stop Raoul. The elf quickly cut all of Edward's fingers and toes off, placed them into a bong, and forced Edward to smoke it. With tears in his eyes, Edward tried to tell Raoul to stop, but he had only just begun. Raoul then bit Edward's eyes. They were chewy and moist. His penis enlarged, Raoul jammed it down Edward's throat, tearing his trachea. Raoul then moved up, jamming his cock into Edward's brain, killing him.

As the elf sat masturbating, Jacob the Werewolf finally responded to Bella's cries. Seeing a non-mutilated person quickly shrunk Raoul's penis. He was going to have to fix that. As Jacob was turning into a wolf, Raoul jumped onto his stomach, using brute force to rip Jacob's lower jaw off. Raoul then climbed onto the howling beast's back, and tied the wolf's tail onto his still limp penis. To aid with his horniness, Raoul sliced a large cut into Jacob's stomach, causing many of his organs to fall out. He then took the beast's intestines and promptly vomited into them. Jacob was barely breathing, but Raoul's tactic had worked. The pleasure of vomiting into intestines had caused Raoul's penis to once again go erect, but at such a force that the wolf's tail was ripped off, taking a large piece of his hip with it. And to top it off, Raoul covered his hands with used cat litter and the juices from Bella's uterus, and squished Jacob's eyes into a pulp.

Raoul was satisfied. But there was still one challenge he had to face.

In the sky, he could see a flying sleigh, pulled by several flying reindeer. It was Santa, Bella's third boyfriend.

Santa had used his stalker powers to find out that Bella was in trouble, and came as fast as he could. He quickly got into his sleigh, armed with several frag and stun grenades, an AK-47, several extra rounds, and a pack of cigars. He had dealt with elves gone bad in the past, it's just that this time, it was personal.

Once Cupid had confirmed Raoul as the target, Santa jumped out of his sleigh, ready to fight. Unfortunately, he was so hell-bent on revenge that he had forgot his parachute. Both of Santa's legs shattered like glass when he hid the ground, his lower torso now a bloodied mess. Raoul noticed the great opportunity. Raoul stole Santa's AK, and shoved is so far up his ass that the barrel went through his neck. As the old man cried for it to end, Raoul decided to have some fun. He quickly removed Santa's nipples with a rusty spoon, and jammed them onto his erect cock. As he had always kept a large pineapple with him, Raoul broke Santa's arm by jamming the pineapple straight through it. Raoul quickly noticed the multitude of grenades Santa had, and an idea formed. Raoul quickly pulled the pin, and shoved the grenade into Santa's left testicle. Raoul got out of the way as he watched Santa's lower body (or what was left of it) explode into a bloody mess, and he bathed in it. And for a finisher, Raoul used his Ass Teeth to bite Santa's face off and jam a small lizard into his brain.

Raoul looked at the destruction he caused. Bella was lying there naked, bloody, breastless, and covered in diarrhea. Edward and Jacob were nearly indistinguishable, and Santa was even worse. Raoul licked the blood off of his shank, ate the uterus kilt he was wearing, and grabbed Bella's diarrhea-covered breasts. He would lick them clean later and probably chop them up into tiny bits to feed to his daughter. Raoul also took Santa's cigarettes. He might as well teach his daughter how to smoke too. And he walked home, planning his next disturbing act.

The End.


End file.
